Just Another Relaxing Day

Just Another Relaxing Day

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I Know he's there...if only everyone else could see him

Suburbia. Everyone should be so lucky to live in a quaint community lined with perfect gingerbread cut houses, immaculately groomed lawns that take the patience of a saint to care for and neighbors who actually interact with one another. However, our little slice of suburbia holds a secret so horrific that no one ever dares mention it. I haven’t notified the newspapers or the police, as I am afraid that without proof they would label me nothing more than one of those suburbia soccer moms with too much time on her hands and a more than vividly overactive imagination. If only I could convince one other person of the hideous atrocities our community has kept hidden, the burden of fear would be lifted from my shoulders forever.

This is why I needed to blog. I am hoping that someone had spotted this psycho killer that lives in developments as I think he often stalks my house. Even though I lock my house up like a fortress and put every light on at the mere hint of darkness (because we all know that the more lights you have on the less likely the killer will be to choose your house), I still think that he lurks at my windows at night. The living room seems to be his primary target. As such, I make sure that the blinds are tightly shut so as not to expose my activities and make me more vulnerable to attack. Because we all know that if the killer can’t see you, he can’t hurt you. There is also the issue of entry through the basement, but I have that covered. I simply refuse to go in the basement after dark. By not opening the basement door, I have managed to keep these crazy stalkers confined to the basement during the night hours. They must silently creep out of my house before I awake in the morning. I have yet to figure out how they are able to enter and exit without even breaking a window. I guess some things just are better left unsaid. I know they are just waiting for curiosity to get the best of me one night, as I am sure that they have a secret torture chamber built into one of the hidden walls in the basement where they will lock me forever without anyone being the wiser.

Of course, there is also the issue of the garage. I think one or two of these crazy killers has set up temporary residence in there. I always make sure that I deadbolt the garage door at any given time of the day. One never knows when this could become a stalkers easiest entry into your home. Of course there are other things to consider as well. These might include being forced into my car and driven to some remote location to be unimaginably tortured and raped before being left for dead. The killers might also want to suffocate me, lock me in the refrigerator, or force me to ingest some poisonous substance, which they have concocted in my garage.

Sometimes, I am afraid to get in my car, which is locked in my garage, because he often sleeps in the backseat just waiting for me. I am not sure how he gets in the car as I lock it every night. I often hear him when I first enter the car. A few strange noises that I can never seem to identify, but then for some unknown reason he vanishes before committing the laborious task of dismembering my body with the four-foot long butcher knife he keeps hidden somewhere in my garage. One day I am going to work up the courage to look for it.

In the awful event that I forget to take out the trash before it gets dark, I often hear him in the woods as I walk down to the end of the driveway. I am sure he is just waiting for the opportune time to slash me to pieces in the woods and then bury me alive in a box (but this is a whole other issue). In the cold winter months, he often hides behind the cords of firewood that I have out back. To avoid any contact with him, I try to fill my daughter’s red wagon (Great purchase Mom!) with as much firewood as possible so that I can park it as close to the stairs of my house as possible. I turn on the giant flood lamp we had installed when we had our home built. I figured you can never be too safe from homicidal maniacs and we all know the more light the better. As quick as I possibly can, I will open the back door and grab several pieces of wood and throw them into the house. I never dare venture off the steps. This tactic has prevented my murder thus far.

Also to my dismay, curiosity got the best of me at the video store last night and I read the back of some new horror box. I was shocked to find that these people are now after me. The ones that ring your doorbell at 3 am with masks on and then proceed to torture you and your family. It wasn’t bad enough that I had Freddy to worry about once I fell asleep, the pin headed guy if I go to the bathroom, the candyman if I decide to roam around the house after midnight, the chucky doll, the bleeding walls in my bedroom, the lunatics with the chainsaws, the man with the hickey mask or any number of other killers who are just waiting for me to make one tiny mistake. Good thing I have never actually seen a horror movie. I avoid them like the plague, as my imagination tends to get the best of me at times. Now I have a whole other series of freaks to worry about. These are the latest psycho killers in our development, and I thought I should warn you. I too fear those awful things that could happen to you at home. Take for instance your dryer mysteriously catching on fire, your stove blowing up as the gas leaks out of it or your bathtub falling through three floors of your home while you are taking a shower. There is also the fear of my oven blowing up in my face, the furnace exploding in the basement, the poisonous fumes from carbon monoxide that appear out of the middle of nowhere and the contaminated water system. I think the health inspector should be made aware of these dangers lurking in our development, but once again, I am not sure if they would take me seriously. Therefore, I must keep find a way to solve these issues on my own.

I also fear the freak that sleeps under my bed although I have never been able to catch him. I think he might be invisible. Sometimes he lurks in that hideously large closet that I have in my bedroom. I think they all must hang out there from time to time. I also have a disliking for the man who likes to watch me as I take a shower but suddenly disappears as soon as I open the door. I say be a man and let me see you! The man who secretly moves things in my house to scare me is also big on my list of people to catch. His favorite items seem to be the remote control and my car keys. Sometimes he also likes to hide my shoes, socks and purse. I think he just likes to mess with my head. I also have a strong disliking for the man who hides in my toilet bowl. I am just waiting for him to grab my leg and pull me in. I am sure he would take great personal satisfaction drowning my ass, slicing me up into little pieces and disposing of my body in the septic system. Where do all these freaks come from? There is also the man who wanders through my home making strange noises that I dismiss as the TV. The television is my own personal security system. As long as it is on, nothing can harm me. I make sure it stays on most of the night. I also make sure that the comforter covers all my body parts. Anything left exposed is fair game to any psycho killer that happens to make their way into my bedroom. Good thing for me I have these personal security devices. Anyway, I must be off to my daughter’s school to read for the day. When I get home, I will have to be extra careful because sometimes these psycho killers stalk you during the day also. I just wish I hadn’t read that stupid box at the video store.

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