Gotta Go!

It never fails. My six-year old daughter seems to have an uncanny ability to time her "poops" for whenever we leave the house. It doesn't seem to matter where we are going or how long we are there. I know the inevitable is coming, "Mommy, I gotta go". I have visited every bathroom imaginable to mankind. The bathroom that is located after walking through an elaborate labyrinth of boxes piled sky high in stores rooms or up five flights of rickety stairs that sound like they are going to give way any second. I have endured excruciating smells, walls covered with things to horrid to imagine, floors wet with the unthinkable and bathrooms that should have had condemned signs on them. All this to ensure that my daughter can take her customary "poop".

It truly does not matter the length of the trip. A quick drive to pick up Chinese take-out...I gotta go, a ride around the block for gas...I gotta go, a dash to the library to return books...I gotta go, the movie store, the post office, the Hallmark Store...it just doesn't seem to matter.

I am not sure how to end this bizarre habit with my daughter. The worst is always the dinner out. We spend more time in the bathroom then we do at our table. There is always the first trip to just pee which is followed by the second trip to "poop" after which is the culminating trip to pee just one more time. "Is this normal," I ask myself? How come I don't see any other parents in the bathroom with their kids. I am not sure but there must be some bizarre psychological explanation for this phenomena known as the "I gotta go syndrome", but, of course, only when I am with Mommy.

Where do they come from?

Every morning I leave approximately the same time for work. I am usually in no inherent rush as I always give myself a little leeway in case the unpredictable happens. I have my daily routine pretty much down to a science. Drop my daughter off at the neighbors, a quick stop at WaWa for coffee, and I am on my way. A leisurely thirty five minute drive through the country which one would assume would be extremely relaxing.

OH, NO!! It never seems to fail that I get stuck behind the slowest driver known to mankind...grandpa and grandma out for a morning drive. Who in the world gets up at 6:30am just to drive around the country? What on God's Earth could be so important that they have to leave their home while the rest of the world is going to work? What I ask...What? It's usually at this point that I lose all patience and become a lunatic behind the wheel.

Employing all tactics known to the angry driver to get the person in front of me to move faster I pull up on their rear bumper close enough so someone passing me might think I am being towed by them. This does no good as they don't even check their rear view mirror. I am assuming they couldn't see me even if they did look. I try the swerving out to make them think I am passing them maneuver, but they don't even notice. I back off and then drive up on their rear real quick to scare them, but once again they don't even notice. Where, oh where, are they going? The sun hasn't even come up.

Okay, I give them one last chance to pick up the speed or this time I am really going to show them what road rage is all about. I rev the engine in anticipation of the pass. As I begin to get in the left lane, they do the unthinkable...Right hand turn with no signal. I should have seen it coming. Well, now at least I can enjoy the rest of my drive.

Suddenly, a car pulls out at the next intersection. I swear they must radio each other to let them know our location. This time grandma is behind the wheel, and I know she isn't doing more than twenty miles an hour for the entire stretch of the road. With the engine still ready for me to floor the gas pedal, I pass her in time to arrive at a stop light. She pulls up behind me unaware that I am even there. I am not sure she even knows I just drove right past her.

As the light turns green, she fades into the morning sky.

Two Crazy Cats

I swore when we moved into our new home that I would never have another pet that required air to sustain life. This pretty much rules out everything except maybe your occasional pet rock. My daughter was only two when we first began construction on our new home. A "Fur Real" cat more than satisfied her need for an animal companion and mine for not having to clean out a liter box on a daily basis.



However, as children age they become wiser. No longer does the cat who only moves when you touch him equate to a real animal who can walk on all fours. Even those meow sounds are sounding a lot less real. My daughter wanted a real live cat. So, we began the search for our perfect companion. The SPCA was full of kittens, but none ever possessed the right mixture of qualities for me to fall in love at first sight.

It wasn't until weeks of searching that we happened upon Flounder. He is now our lovable lump who has been with us for almost four years. He has endured a lot as my daughter has cleverly taught him to use the toilet for a house, the suitcase for a means of travel and the banister as a quick elevator for getting downstairs.

As with all things. we decided that Flounder needed a house mate to keep him company. Our search began again for his long lost twin. Within a few months, my new home, that was sworn to never have a pet that required air to sustain life, was now the happy home to our second cat, Scampi.

Children are just too darn cute!

Pimp This Mom

Okay, I will admit that I have seen a lot in my day. While reading the MSN news today, I came across something that I just could not resist checking out further; a website called "Pimp this Bum". Now, I think I have pretty much seen everything. The site is dedicated to a real life bum, Tim Edwards. Considering his background, you can not help but feel sympathetic for his cause as it could just as easily be you or I in his position. Tim lost his job as an office manager and apparently was unable to obtain any other employment. It seems his life spiraled down from there causing him to lose his house and car. One can not help feel sorry for him.

The Internet is an amazing tool as it allows someone like Tim to become nationally recognized in a matter of days. His plight has now been taken up by Sunray Treatment and recovery which is an alcohol detox program in Seattle. They are generously providing the $13,800, 35-day program free of charge. Of course, the free publicity doesn't hurt either.

I am wondering how I can get someone to sponsor me on a Pimp this Mom site. I would be more than willing to hold dirty clothes, a vacuum cleaner, school back packs or maybe even a sponsor item for endorsement purposes. Anyone know what I need to get started?

For those of you who are curious you can check it out at http://www.ascendgence.com/pimpthisbum/index.aspx.